Denial

For the last few days, I have watched a crazy male cardinal who is determined to defend his territory from his reflection in the window. Despite the fact that he crashes into the window over and over and must be quite bruised by now, he continues his assault. I hung up a towel to mute the reflection, but he continues on his mission.

Like the cardinal, it is easy for those who have fibromyalgia to also deny its reality. No one wants to have something that is difficult to treat. It doesn't help that there are many who don't believe in the syndrome either. Fibromyalgia is such a nebulous condition. There are so many things that share similar symptoms, which is why fibromyalgia is usually diagnosed by eliminating the obvious.

Recently, I had a physical. I went to the doctor hoping that I would have hypothyroidism. Why would I wish to be diagnosed with a chronic illness? Once again I was in denial, and I was looking for an easy fix.

Hypothyroidism shares many of the same symptoms as fibromyalgia, such as fatigue; increased sensitivity to cold; constipation; muscle aches, tenderness, and stiffness; and depression. The difference is that there is an easy fix for hypothyroidism, which there isn't for fibromyalgia. I was hoping that all I had to do was take a replacement hormone for the rest of my life and my symptoms would be gone. But alas, it was not to be; turns out I am revoltingly healthy.

Misha, like myself, tries to maintain a normal lifestyle. She hasn’t made drastic changes because she doesn’t want to. Misha considers herself an active person, she wants to be able to do things, and if it means she suffers a little, so be it, “for a while there I did cross-fit kettle bell training. If you’ve ever seen P90X (Extreme Home Fitness program), it’s kind of like that on crack − very fast paced. It’s really just 30 minutes of hell. Sometimes, I wouldn’t be able to walk afterwards. My point of view on it was I caused the pain. I’m the reason. I’m in control of that pain. I’d rather have that pain then the flare-up so it’s kind of a weird way of thinking maybe.”

Although Misha and I may not always accept our condition, we are a little better off than

that cardinal. At least we both eventually acknowledge the reality of the situation rather than continuing to beat ourselves up.